Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
You Might Also Like
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Feels
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.