Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.

Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

[Spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

My dryer is celebrating lint.

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.