Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
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Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.