Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
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Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”