Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
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My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
OKAY DAD
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster