Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

Beware of fowl play.

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022