Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
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I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
sleeping beauty
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
She knows her part so well!
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.