Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
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Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
Bruh
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband