Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

him: i need some space

me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”

Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,

IT’S NOT.

except for that one from earlier

maybe?

Regards,
Ry

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email