Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.