Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
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I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Imma just leave this here…………
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Never deleting this app.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.