Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

The new Ring movie looks terrifying

People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.

How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

🙀🙀🙀😹

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

Customer is always right

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

LOL!

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

new wife guy just dropped

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you