Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
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waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
The A string on my guit_r is flat
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.