“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
You Might Also Like
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Enjoyed 3 minutes and 42 seconds of extra sleep this morning by letting my kids stay up 5 hours past their bedtime
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
If what people thought of you, what you thought of yourself and who you really are ever met, the three of you wouldn’t recognize each other.