Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
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Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.