Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
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a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Is your wife single?
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Priorities
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.