Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
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Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
