Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
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“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in