Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
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santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.