Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

“i’m in your city”

uhhh have fun??

Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will

I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

[couples therapy]

Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…

Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die