@m0mjawn

took the kids to the park so they could beat each other up in the fresh air

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@nayomeewallace

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

@jonnysun

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

@iGreenMonk

I really can’t believe the price some women pay for sunglasses.

I’m starting to think it’d be cheaper to get the kitchen window tinted.

@NicestHippo

*writes “with my squad” under a picture of me and several cats”

@zacharyflynn

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

@trevso_electric

I used to pretend that broccoli florets were treetops and I was a giant eating up the forest while my Dad pretended he had a manly son.

@SortaBad

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

@MandiAtRandom

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

@ShoutingGoddess

Marriage is like a tattoo. You say it’s for ever but we all know there are ways & means of ditching it. It’ll just be painful and expensive.