absolutely not
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[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”