@m0mjawn

took the kids to the park so they could beat each other up in the fresh air

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@simoncholland

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

@DaHess1

I have an outstanding credit score and even know a dude named Tanner but I’m still not white enough to drink pumpkin beer.

@TwinSurvivalist

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

@MacMcCannTX

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

@gemmacorrell

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

@JediGigi

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

@UrbanDouchebag

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs.

@Shenaniglenns

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

@caithuls

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

@Token_Geezer

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too