Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
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My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.