Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

*cooking omelette for GF*

Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”

Gf: “Sure baby”

*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.