Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
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The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*