Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?

Good times.

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM

I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.