Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

ㅤ

is this a threat

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.

whenever i wake up before my alarm