Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
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Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
i love meeting boys on tinder
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Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
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Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
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My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.