Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
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When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
How to find Kentucky on a map
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
*with the intention of bragging
I just won $7 and a free play on my lottery tickets. Only cost me $36 to achieve this
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks