Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
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ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Nothing.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]