Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
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Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
this could fix me
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
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A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
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Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Me, reading some of your tweets
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add