Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
You Might Also Like
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.
Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.
Always
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous