Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
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My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.