Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
You Might Also Like
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
This is painfully accurate 😅
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Taking phone security to the next level.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid