Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
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How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
#parenting
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm