Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
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stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here