Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
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If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.