when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
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I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Hmmmmm
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
*pokes sex life with a stick
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
catch me on valentine’s day like
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?