@sonictyrant

[toon world police department]

Chief of police: describe the explosive device?

Me: its like a bowling ball with a fizzy string

Chief of police: listen very carefully, i want you to lick your thumb and index finger

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@Cryptoterra

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

@xLiserx

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

@Gupton68

My favourite chops, ranked:

5. Chopsticks
4. Muttonchops
3. Karate chops
2. Pork chops
1. Psychopaths

@NikkiGlaser

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

@VisionBored1

We go on a date. I order mozzarella sticks. You watch as I put nine of them in my mouth at once. You think this bodes well for later. It doesn’t. I am lactose intolerant.

@Social_Mime

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

@LlamaInaTux

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

@Dr_awfulpants

If your boss says “Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you supposed to be in at 8am?” don’t correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.

@ItsAndyRyan

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’