NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
[toon world police department]
Chief of police: describe the explosive device?
Me: its like a bowling ball with a fizzy string
Chief of police: listen very carefully, i want you to lick your thumb and index finger
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Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
My favourite chops, ranked:
3. Karate chops
2. Pork chops
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Walnuts make my every cookie a game of Minesweeper.
We go on a date. I order mozzarella sticks. You watch as I put nine of them in my mouth at once. You think this bodes well for later. It doesn’t. I am lactose intolerant.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
If your boss says “Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you supposed to be in at 8am?” don’t correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’