*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
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Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.