*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
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Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
this article brought to you by lions
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
getting corrected
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.