*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
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FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
