*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
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Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
…..pretty much.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Do not steal food from the science building!
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.