*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
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I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*