*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
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Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work