Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

Glasses

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.

ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.