toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
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Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood