toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
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Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Tell the colonel to bring it
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.