[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
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-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Always this one for me forever
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Oh. My. God.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*