Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
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I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I love texting my boyfriend
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
