Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
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I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this