Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.