Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”