Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.