Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
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I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
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A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Life cycle of cat
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Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious