Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

My support group can outdrink your support group.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”