4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
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[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.