Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
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trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.