Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.

I remember when the only divisive issue in America was whether you were team werewolf guy or team vampire guy. The rhetoric got pretty heated.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind

40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos

Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.

It’s science.

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower