Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
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A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.