Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
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ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.