Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good

It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.