Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

Always.

(Click “gift options” for merch:

In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*

uh oh

*frantically starts flipping through pages*

uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh

Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real