Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.