@SamuelHLowe

Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages

Need I say more?

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@McClaneJohn2

Calm down car stereo volume I’m not the same person I was yesterday.

@rodimusprime

Bad guys gotta have a meeting and decide once and for all Liam Neeson’s family is off limits.

@cuntyspice_

the best thing about babies is they have no idea what’s going on. i was holding my baby and trying to eat but i dropped a little piece of lasagna on her and didn’t have a free hand to wipe it off so i just leaned over and ate it off her head. she has no clue what i did

@GodDammitDanny

To the guy who just followed me with “Conservative, God-loving, pro-life” in his bio… are you sure you want to do this?

@panmidwest

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

@elunatyk

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

@ThisOneSayz

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.