@DrakeGatsby Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
@SamuelHLowe Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) MarriagesNeed I say more?
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@DrakeGatsby 
@panmidwest [My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
@bazecraze I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
@panmidwest [texting gf across the table from me so the people we’re making fun of won’t hear]
HER: hahaha
ME: i can see you & you did not laugh at all
@SondraDeeMe We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
@Loli_Sug When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
@ColesTwitt3r house sitting!
@Six_Pack_Mom Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
@WinningByARose Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
@SCbchbum I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”