Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
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“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.