Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
Need I say more?
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“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
[texting gf across the table from me so the people we’re making fun of won’t hear]
ME: i can see you & you did not laugh at all
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”