Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

Movie Idea:

Lohan.

Bynes.

Statham.

DEATH RACE 2

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?

Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*

Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

Oh yeah that’s it

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

Beware of the “party goblin”…

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”