Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
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“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Batman v Dracula
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”