Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible

Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?

Date: *biting lip* oh yea

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.

Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.

My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

Happens to everyone.

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?