Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?

Me: *long awkward pause* A while…

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

😞

Its a hippotatomus

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

Teach your children to beatbox

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

The Sun’s probably Asian.

Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.