Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?

[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar

Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

Don’t forget to tip your server

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

best first i’ve ever seen

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.