Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.