Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
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Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Worlds greatest photobomb
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.