Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

By Kate Hatos

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

Kid: *falls down*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *runs into table*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *ball hits them in face*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *drops phone*

Me: OMG, did you break it?!

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.