Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
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Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Oh the world we live in…
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”