Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
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One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Some people were born into their job.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.